The Awakening Will: Ages 2 to 4

The Law of the Awakening Will

Somewhere in the 2nd year the child discovers that they are someone. They say "no". They want to do everything alone. They test every limit, sometimes with fury. Plato saw this force clearly: children, Glaucon says in the Republic, are full of spirit from the moment they are born, while reason comes to most of them only late.¹

Plato, Republic IV, 441a-b

καὶ γὰρ ἐν τοῖς παιδίοις τοῦτό γ’ ἄν τις ἴδοι, ὅτι θυμοῦ μὲν εὐθὺς γενόμενα μεστά ἐστι, λογισμοῦ δ’ ἔνιοι μὲν ἔμοιγε δοκοῦσιν οὐδέποτε μεταλαμβάνειν, οἱ δὲ πολλοὶ ὀψέ ποτε.

"For that much one can see in children, that they are from their very birth chock-full of rage and high spirit, but as for reason, some of them, to my thinking, never participate in it, and the majority quite late." (tr. Paul Shorey)

The θυμός, the spirited part of the soul, is no enemy. In the same book Plato makes it the natural ally of reason, provided bad rearing does not corrupt it.¹ It is the source of courage, of the sense of honor, of indignation at injustice. A child without θυμός grows into an adult without backbone. A child whose θυμός is never shaped grows into a tyrant over others and a slave to their own anger.

The law of this stage is therefore double: guide the will without breaking it, and lay down the first habits. Seneca, who wrote the most careful ancient pages on the raising of children against anger, states both halves of the task.²

Seneca, On Anger II.21.1 and 21.3

Plurimum, inquam, proderit pueros statim salubriter institui; difficile autem regimen est, quia dare debemus operam ne aut iram in illis nutriamus aut indolem retundamus.
Crescit licentia spiritus, servitute comminuitur; adsurgit si laudatur et in spem sui bonam adducitur, sed eadem ista insolentiam et iracundiam generant: itaque sic inter utrumque regendus est ut modo frenis utamur modo stimulis.

"It is of the greatest service that boys be soundly brought up from the start; yet their guidance is difficult, because we must take care neither to nourish anger in them nor to blunt their natural spirit. … The spirit grows with freedom and is crushed by slavery; it rises when it is praised and led to hope well of itself, but these same things breed insolence and quickness of temper. So the child must be guided between the two, using now the rein and now the spur." (lit., after Aubrey Stewart)

The rein and the spur: this is the method of the stage. Seneca adds 2 rules that every Zevist parent should know by heart. The child should be made to suffer nothing humiliating and nothing servile (nihil humile, nihil servile patiatur). And the child should obtain nothing by anger: what was refused while they cried should be offered when they are quiet (nihil per iracundiam exoret: quod flenti negatum fuerit quieto offeratur).²

Zevism reads Seneca through Theoteknia. The system the Temple names Eilotil breaks the will to make a servant: the child who learns that wanting is sin and obedience is the only virtue becomes the adult who kneels. Zevism forms the will to make a sovereign: a child who learns that the will is good, that it must serve reason and justice, and that it is answerable for what it does. The parent who rules by humiliation produces either a servant or a rebel. The parent who holds firm limits with warmth produces a free human being.

What the Ancients Taught

Play Is the Work of This Age

Plato's Athenian Stranger gives the years from 3 to 6 to play: games that children invent for themselves when they come together, at the temples of each village, under the watch of their nurses. He adds that pampering must now give way to correction, but that correction must never be degrading.³

Plato, Laws VII, 793e-794a

τριετεῖ δὲ δὴ καὶ τετραετεῖ καὶ πενταετεῖ καὶ ἔτι ἑξετεῖ ἤθει ψυχῆς παιδιῶν δέον ἂν εἴη, τρυφῆς δ’ ἤδη παραλυτέον κολάζοντα, μὴ ἀτίμως … παιδιαὶ δ’ εἰσὶν τοῖς τηλικούτοις αὐτοφυεῖς τινες, ἃς ἐπειδὰν συνέλθωσιν αὐτοὶ σχεδὸν ἀνευρίσκουσι.

"To form the character of the child over three and up to six years old there will be need of games: by then punishment must be used to prevent their getting pampered, not, however, punishment of a degrading kind. … Children of this age have games which come by natural instinct; and they generally invent them of themselves whenever they meet together." (tr. R. G. Bury)

Aristotle agrees: until the 5th year no lessons and no compulsory labor, but enough movement to keep the body from idleness, given through play. The games themselves should be neither slavish, nor exhausting, nor slack, and most of them should be imitations of what the child will later do in earnest.⁴ Plato says the same in an image that every parent can use: the child who will be a builder should play at building, and the one who will farm should play at farming, with small tools made for them in imitation of the real ones.⁵

Plato, Laws I, 643c-d

κεφάλαιον δὴ παιδείας λέγομεν τὴν ὀρθὴν τροφήν, ἣ τοῦ παίζοντος τὴν ψυχὴν εἰς ἔρωτα μάλιστα ἄξει τούτου ὃ δεήσει γενόμενον ἄνδρ’ αὐτὸν τέλειον εἶναι τῆς τοῦ πράγματος ἀρετῆς.

"First and foremost, education, we say, consists in that right nurture which most strongly draws the soul of the child when at play to a love for that pursuit of which, when he becomes a man, he must possess a perfect mastery." (tr. R. G. Bury)

The Hardest of All Creatures

Plato is honest about how difficult the child is. Of all wild creatures, he says, the child is the hardest to handle, because its spring of reason is not yet regulated.⁶

Plato, Laws VII, 808d

ὁ δὲ παῖς πάντων θηρίων ἐστὶ δυσμεταχειριστότατον· ὅσῳ γὰρ μάλιστα ἔχει πηγὴν τοῦ φρονεῖν μήπω κατηρτυμένην, ἐπίβουλον καὶ δριμὺ καὶ ὑβριστότατον θηρίων γίγνεται.

"Of all wild creatures, the child is the most intractable; for in so far as it, above all others, possesses a fount of reason that is as yet uncurbed, it is a treacherous, sly and most insolent creature." (tr. R. G. Bury)

The very thing that makes the child difficult, the spring of reason, is what makes the child more than an animal. The child resists because there is someone inside to resist. That someone is to be educated and guided.

Habit Begins Now

Quintilian, writing of the young pupil, warns that character is best formed while the child is still guileless and most ready to take instruction, because "you would sooner break than straighten what has hardened into crookedness". He calls for the child to be taught at once to do nothing greedily, nothing dishonestly, nothing without self-control, and quotes Virgil: so much does habit count in the tender years.⁷

Quintilian, Institutio Oratoria 1.3.12-13

frangas enim citius quam corrigas quae in pravum induruerunt. Protinus ergo ne quid cupide, ne quid improbe, ne quid inpotenter faciat monendus est puer, habendumque in animo semper illud Vergilianum: "adeo in teneris consuescere multum est".

"Once a bad habit has become ingrained, it is easier to break than bend. There must be no delay, then, in warning a boy that his actions must be unselfish, honest, self-controlled, and we must never forget the words of Virgil, 'So strong is custom formed in early years.'" (tr. H. E. Butler)

The Gods Gave Rhythm to the Young

The young, Plato writes in the Laws, cannot keep still in body or voice; they leap and shout. The Gods, taking pity on the human race, gave them the Muses, Apollo and Dionysus as fellow-revelers, and with them the sense of rhythm and harmony; and he derives the word for the chorus, χορός, from joy, χαρά.⁸ Dance and song are the first discipline of the restless body: the child moves, and learns to move in measure.

The Third Year

The ancient world marked the 3rd year. In Athens, at the spring festival of the Anthesteria, children in about their 3rd year were crowned with flowers and given small wine jugs, the choes; miniature choes were placed in the graves of children who died before reaching it.⁹ The Stoic Chrysippus gave the nurses 3 years of authority over the child, while asking that even they form the child's mind on the best principles.¹⁰ The Temple's Amphidromia may be performed between the 5th day and the 3rd year; with the 3rd year the window of the secret name closes.

What the Science Shows

Autonomy and Will

Erik Erikson placed the 2nd crisis of human development, autonomy against shame and doubt, in roughly the 2nd and 3rd years, and gave its successful resolution a single word: will. The 3rd, initiative against guilt, follows in the years from about 3 to 5, and its virtue is purpose.¹¹ Shame, in Erikson's account, comes from a will that is overruled and exposed rather than guided. The same insight stands in Seneca's nihil humile.

Self-Control Is Built Here

The executive functions, the mind's management system, are usually described as 3: inhibitory control (self-control and resistance to distraction), working memory and cognitive flexibility. They begin to develop strongly in early childhood and remain trainable.¹² Their long reach is shown by the Dunedin study, which followed about 1,000 children from birth to the age of 32: the children with more self-control in childhood had better health, more wealth and less crime as adults, even after their intelligence and family background were accounted for.¹³ Habit, Aristotle's ἔθος, is the school of self-control.

Tantrums

Temper tantrums are a normal part of this age. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that they happen most between the ages of 1 and 3 and tend to improve after the age of 3, and that the parent's consistency from day to day is key to reducing them.¹⁴ Seneca's rule, that nothing is won by anger and what was refused in tears may be given in calm, is the same counsel in Latin.

Warmth and Firmness Together

Diana Baumrind described 3 styles of parental authority: authoritarian (high demands, little warmth), permissive (warmth with few demands) and authoritative (high warmth and high demands together, with reasons given); Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin added a fourth, neglectful.^{15, 16} A meta-analysis of 1,435 studies found that authoritative parenting is associated with fewer behavior problems and that harsh control and psychological control (guilt, shaming, the withdrawal of love) show the strongest links to worse outcomes; the effects are modest, as all such effects are, but their direction is consistent.¹⁷ Physical punishment fares worst of all: a meta-analysis of spanking found it associated with 13 of the 17 harmful outcomes examined and with no benefit, and the American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents against striking children and against harsh verbal abuse.^{18, 19} The Ancients had pointed the same way: Plato's punishment "not of a degrading kind", Quintilian's refusal of the rod.

Speech Opens

By about 30 months most children say about 50 words and join 2 or more words with an action word, like "Doggie run"; by 3 years most can hold a conversation of at least 2 back-and-forth exchanges; by 4 years most speak in sentences of 4 or more words.²⁰ Every exchange counts: conversation, more than words heard, builds the language centers of the brain.²¹

Body, Sleep and Screens

• Sleep. 11 to 14 hours per 24 hours, naps included, from 1 to 2 years; 10 to 13 hours from 3 to 5 years.²²
• Movement. For children of 3 and 4, the WHO recommends at least 180 minutes of physical activity a day, of which at least 60 minutes moderate to vigorous.²³
• Screens. For 2-year-olds, no more than 1 hour of sedentary screen time a day, and less is better (WHO); for ages 2 to 5, at most 1 hour of high-quality programming, watched together with a parent (American Academy of Pediatrics).^{23, 24}

The Practice

The Will: Rein and Spur

• Offer choices within limits. This shirt or that one; the bath before the story or after. Choice exercises the will without surrendering the house to it.
• Hold a few firm limits, calmly. Safety, kindness to others, sleep and food. Few rules, held every day, teach more than many rules held on some days.
• Nothing is won by a tantrum. Stay near and stay calm. Name the feeling: "You are angry because the tower fell." Hold the limit. When the storm passes, comfort the child and, if the thing refused was good, offer it now that they are calm. Never reward the scream; never punish the feeling.
• Correct without humiliation. Correct the act, protect the person. No mockery, no shaming before others, no comparison with siblings, and never a threat of abandonment or of the withdrawal of love.
• Make consequences small, quick and connected. The toy thrown is put away; the friend hit is comforted and the game paused. The child learns that acts have consequences, while their own worth stays untouched.
• Praise what is truly good. Praise the shared toy, the told truth, the effort of dressing alone. Seneca's spur: the spirit rises when it is praised for what deserves praise.

The First Habits

• Keep a rhythm. The same times for waking, meals, naps and bed; a morning greeting and an evening ritual. Rhythm is the first order a child can feel.
• Let the child help. Toddlers want to help: to carry, wipe, stir, water the plants and put things away. Accept the help even when it slows the work; this is how the habit of contribution is born.
• Teach courtesy by doing it. Greet, thank, ask, apologize. The child imitates long before understanding (Politeness and Conduct).
• Teach self-care step by step. Eating alone, dressing, washing hands, toilet learning when the child is ready, tidying toys.
• Never lie to the child. Truth begins here. When the child tells the truth about a fault, honor the truth before you correct the fault.

Speech and Feeling

• Talk with the child as well as to them. Ask, wait, answer. Each turn of conversation builds the brain.
• Name feelings. Anger, fear, sadness, joy, jealousy: the child who can name a feeling can begin to master it.
• Read aloud every day. Picture books, simple fables, short tales of the Gods.
• Answer the questions. The "why" begins now. The child of the Gods has the right to ask (Theoteknia).

Play and the Body

• Give free play every day, outdoors if possible. Running, climbing, digging, building and pretending. Let the child invent games, as Plato saw children do.
• Give real small tools. A small broom, a small spade, a cup that pours: Plato's builder playing at building.
• Dance and sing. Rhythm and harmony, the gifts of the Muses and of Apollo, teach the restless body to move in measure.
• Let the child take small risks. Climbing a little higher, walking on a low wall, carrying something heavy. Courage begins as a body that trusts itself.

Before the Gods

• Give the child small duties at the altar. Help light the candle with the parent's hand; bring a flower; bow before the image of Zeus; say "Thank you, Zeus" before the meal. The child learns the Gods as joy, which is their right (Theoteknia).
• Tell the first stories of the Gods. Short and vivid: Zeus the Father of Gods and men, Athena born from His head, Hermes the clever baby who stole the cattle of Apollo, Heracles strangling the serpents in his cradle.
• Celebrate the festivals as a family. Light, flowers, food and song (Our Rites & Holidays). A family may mark the 3rd year with a crown of spring flowers, as the Athenians crowned their children at the Anthesteria.
• Complete the Amphidromia if it has not been performed. The window closes with the 3rd year (The Amphidromia).

Signs the Stage Is Going Well

• The child says no, and survives your no. The will is alive, and it is learning that limits are real and safe.
• Tantrums grow shorter and rarer after the 3rd year. Speech and self-control are taking over.
• The child helps, imitates and asks why. Habit, example and curiosity are working together.
• The child plays with others. The first games of turns and rules have begun.

Errors to Avoid

• Breaking the will. Humiliation, mockery, harsh punishment and constant prohibition make a servant or a rebel.
• Surrendering to the will. The child who wins by screaming learns that screaming wins.
• Inconsistency. A rule held on Monday and dropped on Tuesday teaches only that rules are a matter of mood.
• Screens as a pacifier. The tablet given to stop a tantrum teaches the tantrum.
• Anger in the parent. Seneca wrote On Anger for adults first. The child copies the parent's temper before the parent's counsel (Envy, Greed, Hate, Anger).

Books for This Stage

For the Parents

• Joanna Faber and Julie King, How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen (Scribner, 2017). A survival guide to life with children from 2 to 7: practical words for limits, feelings and cooperation.
• Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, The Whole-Brain Child (Delacorte, 2011). Simple strategies for helping a young child integrate feeling and thought.
• Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, No-Drama Discipline (Bantam, 2014). Firm limits without humiliation: connect first, then redirect.
• Simone Davies, The Montessori Toddler (Workman, 2019). Order, independence and real work for the child from 1 to 3.
• Michaeleen Doucleff, Hunt, Gather, Parent (Avid Reader Press, 2021). What traditional cultures teach about raising helpful, calm and confident children.
• Harvey Karp, The Happiest Toddler on the Block (Bantam, 2004). Practical techniques for tantrums and cooperation.
• Alison Gopnik, The Gardener and the Carpenter (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2016). The parent as the gardener who tends a living thing rather than the carpenter who builds to a plan.
• Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child (HarperCollins, 1998). For the child whose temper is harder than most: collaborative problem solving.

For the Child

• Short tales of the Gods, told aloud. Zeus and the Titans, Athena's birth, the infant Hermes, the infant Heracles.
• Aesop's fables, read aloud in simple versions. The fox and the grapes, the tortoise and the hare, the ant and the cicada.
• Picture books of animals, nature and daily life, and songs with movement and rhythm.

From the Ancients

• Plato, Laws VII, 793d-794c, and Laws I, 643b-d. Play, games and the first correction.
• Seneca, On Anger II.18-21. The education of children against anger.
• Quintilian, Institutio Oratoria 1.1-1.3. The earliest years, play and habit.